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Tuesday, April 14th, 2009
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11:16 am
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I've always had more boy like interests. I started to remember how my G'mother used to say to me about every other thing, "that's not very "lady like" ". I just wondered when it would be clear that being "lady like" was approximately LAST on my list of things I wanted to be. I wanted to wear pants to church from a young age. Not ruffled jeans, mind you, dress pants were fine! But no, I had to wear a dress (or at least a skirt). Ugh, dresses. I don't wear dresses. That and dress shoes, high heels. Nada, no way. Give me sneakers, or give me... nothing. These days it's easier to find in between styles. A woman's dress shoe that looks like a mans dress shoe. I'm okay with those.
I'm gung-ho football, gung-ho Red Sox. I'm fascinated by all things military. When I was a kid, I'd rather play with my brother's GI joes than my barbies. I never liked having my hair done. I don't wear make-up. I don't paint my nails, and feel really awkward when my mom offers to take me for a pedicure. It's not a comfortable, relaxing experience for me. Truth be told, it's the opposite. I wrote an entry about wanting to take karate. I never asked to because it "wasn't for girls" and it felt funny to want to not do ballet back then. I hated ballet. I liked dark colors, not pink tutus. I like computers. Although I'm not good at it, I'm fascinated by the idea of programming. I like quite a lot setting up new computers and for instance, getting my Gp's wireless network going again.
God only knows why I chose the flute. I never liked it. I've always wished I'd chosen trumpet, or some other brass instrument. I want to learn drums (and actually soon may! that's another story) very badly. I like action movies and some horror movies and psychological thrillers way more than I like comedies or chick flicks or anything romantic. I wanted to burp outloud and not be told it wasn't very lady-like. I wear baseball hats a lot, and I've wanted to try a shorter haircut for awhile. I carry my wallet on my person. I tried to avoid using a purse for awhile. It felt awkward when I started using one. Somehow I've gotten used to it. What else?
So, no one bugs me about wearing pants to church anymore, and in fact I wear sneakers even when I go with family, and don't get bugged by them these days. But it occurred to me I still hold onto trying to act 'lady like' to a certain degree. Because that's how I'm supposed to be. Right? I still hold onto trying my best to be who "I'm supposed to be" instead of "who I am".
Since then I've been consciously trying to let down my guard and just be, all the while, trying to be natural at the same time. haha. But it is working to a certain degree. I'm even finding my mannerisms are changing a little. More relaxed, less stinted.
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| Sunday, January 16th, 2005
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6:16 pm
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That is what it is,
But I don't want to talk.
Needing to explain,
But feeling like a jerk.
How do you let someone know
that what makes them happy
makes you depressed?
I feel so alone. Abandoned. Betrayed.
Though I know it's not so.
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Alone, on my own
Again I'm here.
Seems I can never get away
Dreaming of
what used to be
Wanting it back,
But I know it's not mine.
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I want something real
I want someone real
I want to feel for someone
I want them to feel for me
I want to be held
I want to hold
I want a hug
I want to hug
I want to beed
I want to be needed
heartaches,
not from being broken,
but from being empty.
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| Thursday, June 17th, 2004
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8:58 pm - Reversals
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He stepped into the room behind her.
He could tell she was stressed, he could tell she needed relief. But he wasn't sure what kind.
He took it slow.
"Honey, how are you feeling?" he whispered as he placed his hands on her the back of her shoulders.
He wasn't prepared for her reaction at all.
She spun around in her chair and jumped into his arms. He was startled and just barely able to keep himself from falling over backward.
He opened his mouth to speak, but before he could utter a single word, her tongue was in his mouth. "Wow" was the only word he get out.
They carresed each others as they made out passionately. Finally she came up for air.
"Honey" he said, "you don't have to this for me."
"It's for me as much as you" she stated, "it's for us. It's been far too long."
Her demeanor changed completely. "Take off your shirt and pants", she demanded, as she playfully shoved him to the floor.
He did as he was told. "What do you plan to do to me?" he stammered.
"You will recieve your punishment as I see fit" she retorted.
"Please be easy with me" he stammered.
He played the part well. But he could not hide the twinkle in his eye that expressed his love for her and their game more than anything else.
"As I said" she replied, "your punshiment will be as I see fit. ...Now remove my blouse."
He stood. She pushed him right back down onto his back, and crawling over him said, "with your teeth."
He tried to do as she commanded, but could not manage.
She groped at his manhood through his underwear. He twitched, but the sparkle in his eye grew. So did hers.
"Okay, use your hands" she told him. And as he unbuttoned her blouse, she reached down and removed his underwear single-handedly.
He hurriedly undid her blouse, and then reached down and unbuttoned her skirt too. Soon the only article of clothing that remained between the two of them was her bra.
He was destined to show her that he could indeed use his teeth, and in doing so slid her bra up over her head with his mouth.
Just as quickly as her bra was off, his mouth was back down at her breasts. Sucking, licking and caressing until they were large, and her nipples erect.
Their roles switched without a word spoken.
He grabbed her head and pushed it into his naked lap. She reached up and spread his knees as she grabbed onto his manhood and gave him a hand-job like she'd never given before.
He moaned, "feels wonderful. But your mouth babe. Use that too!"
She did as she was told and more. She grabbed onto his ass and put her mouth around his then pulsating dick. He grunted deeply with excitement, and even as he did so, he reached down and began to finger her.
It didn't take long, he rocking and she squirming, for them both to build up to a climax.
...But before they could reach it, he pushed her away.
"Now it's my turn to chose a punishment", he called.
She was lying on her back still and trying to catch her breath from being so close to the edge, but not allowed to finish.
He walked over to her slowly and crouched down next to her. She reached for his still hard dick, but he pushed her hand away. Then he grabbed it and pulled her up.
"Back up against the wall" he commanded. She followed.
He quickly pushed his chest up against hers and they began making out again while he fondled her breasts. She reached down and began giving him a hand job while slapping his ass with the other.
After they had been going on like this for awhile she wondered, "is he was going to do it or what?"
And just as the thought passed through her mind, one of his hands left her breast and pushed her legs apart, as he thrust his manhood deep inside her.
They let out a simultaneous moan.
The standing position only lasted a few minutes, before she had resumed control and had him back on the floor with her towering above. He grabbed her hands and pulled her into a crouching position over him. Slowly and deliberately she grabbed his hardness and placed it inside of her wetness.
She rode him like the animal she told him he was right up until they were both about the reach a climax again.
As they were, he pulled out, rolled her onto her side, and entered her again fast, but tenderly...
This final motion pushed them both over the edge, and they held each other close, tongues-locked as they both experienced stronger orgasms than they'd ever thought possible.
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8:56 pm - The Jacuzzi
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She was just hanging out with some friends at a party that night. She had planned to go home, and go to bed early. But as she was walking to her car, those plans changed completely.
She had just hit the button to unlock her car. It made a chirping noise as it unlocked. And then, there was an echo chirping noise from two cars over. She was quite perplexed and glanced over to see where it came from.
Imagine her surprise when she saw her old high school sweetheart sitting laying across the backseat of his car, and staring straight at her. It had been more than a year since she'd seen him, and she couldn't believe how good he looked. She could feel herself already beggining to get turned on as she stood there wondering who would speak first. She hoped it would be him... She was right.
"Long time no see", he said sitting up and opening the car door.
"That's for sure", she responded, "I haven't even heard from you in more than a year. Have you been in town this whole time?"
He returned a puzzled look. "This isn't the town you're referring to" he said with a chuckle.
"Oh yeah" she exclaimed. She was blushing because in her surprise and excitement at seeing him, she had forgotten that the party was indeed two hours from her hometown.
"But I live here" he continued. "Just down the road actually."
Her heart began to pound in her chest... She was already having visions of returning to his house with him, and making love 'till all odd hours of the morning. But then she thought, she didn't even know if he was in a relationship.
He didn't give her a chance to voice her curiosity. "So" he said, "wanna see my new place?"
For a brief second she thought maybe she shouldn't, after all, she herself was in a relationship. But they had had a major fight the night before, so she decided if anything happened between her and her old sweetheart, he at least deserved it.
"Of course" she said matter of factly. He climbed over into the front seat and unlocked her door for her.
They rode to his new place in near complete silence, each of them stealing sideways glances at each other every so often, each of them wondering what the other was thinking.
When they arrived at his place, he all but jumped out of the car and went running up onto the front stoop. "Ta da" he said, "bet ya never thought I'd have my own place! Ha"
He was reminding her of the way he was in high school, and this made her quite happy, as it brought back her old longing for him.
He unlocked the door, and they both stepped in. It was neat. A lot neater than his room was when they were in high school.
"Welcome, welcome" he said, "make yourself at home."
"Thanks" she said as he took her jacket.
He continued: "just do whatever it is that makes you feel at home... watch some tv, grab a book to read, I can make you coffee, we can play a video game, sit down and talk, hop in the shower."
At the last suggestion, their eyes locked. She smiled, half-subconsciously. She didn't give herself time to think, she just spoke, "sounds good to me."
"I'd rather hoped so", he said, suddenly timid. "Right this way."
This was happening a whole lot quicker than she had imagined. For this she was glad.
He opened the door to the bathroom. "This was the main reason I bought the house" he said with a chuckle. The bathroom contained a jacuzzi tub that had to have cost as much as the house itself.
"I want you to be the first one to try it out with me", he said. She was amused, the phrase sounded as if he had plans to have a different girl every week, but the voice he said it in soothed her, as if she were the only one he'd ever had thoughts of. She giggled at this realization, and as she realized she had become very wet.
"Shall we?" he said as he began to remove his clothing. First his belt, slowly. Then his sneakers, his socks, shirt, and so forth, until he was standing there completely exposed before her.
She had not spoken a word, but now that she could see that he was already as hard for her as she was wet for him, she felt even more at ease.
He stepped towards her and slowly wrapped his arms around her shoulders. They began to dance slowly and intentionally as he intentionally rubbed himself up against her thighs.
She shuddered at the simple sensation. She reached up and met his hands at her shoulders. Together they slid her shirt off. She undid her own bra as he slowly and deliberately removed her pants. And then together they removed her final piece of clothing, 'till she too was completely naked. The two of them before each other as they had not been in several years.
She couldn't take it anymore. She stepped forward quickly embracing him in her arms and locking lips with him.
He shook with anticipation as he slid his tongue between her lips, and began to massage her breasts with his hands. She held onto him tighter, one hand behind his head, the other on his firm ass, beginning to pull him right up against herself.
They stopped kissing, as she pushed his head down to her breasts and he began sucking her already erect nipples.
She began to kiss his short-haired head and rub his back as he did so.
As his tongue darted around and around her nipples and chest, he reached down with one hand and began fingering her. She nearly fell over with delight.
Slowly they sank to the floor, her crouching and he he kneeling, his throbbing manhood erect straight up against his stomach, as he continued to lick and finger her.
She could bare simply looking at his dick which was calling to her no longer. She dropped to her knees, leaned forward and placed him quickly into her mouth, all the while his whole arm jutting forward to continue it's playfulness.
She held onto his hips as she slid his rock solid manhood in and out of her mouth, working her tongue all around it, and holding it tightly with her lips.
He began to moan only slightly with pleasure, as she herself was doing all she could to keep from squealing.
Presently, he slowly leaned back on his heals until she was facing face down onto him. Then he slowly slid his feet out. As he did so, he slid his hands under her arms and pulled her up onto himself. Now she was just laying parallel on top of him with his hard cock pulsating against her pelvis.
They locked lips again, as they both reached down and together inserted him into her welcoming wetness. They both let out moans of pleasure and tension that had been building all night.
She sat up slightly and played with his hair as she rode him as hard as she could bringing him to his climax only to stop and hold him back from it.
"Heeey" he said softly as he sat up, and pulled her knees up, until they were both in a sitting position. She on his lap with his on the verge cock still inside of her.
She wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him in even deeper. Again they both moaned in ecstasy.
They locked lips again, tongues everywhere, hands all over each other, and made careful love to each other like this, both of them continuously pulling themselves back from orgasm until they could tell that they were climaxing together.
When that moment finally came, he quickly pulled himself out so that he could cum in her mouth, and at the same moment, he reached down and simultaneously inserted his fingers into her vagina and his tongue into her mouth. They both came hard, rocking into each other involuntarily as their bodies released the tension.
After all was still, they fell into each others arms, and, having not spoken throughout the whole love-making session, he finally piped up, and with tears in his eyes said, "... so what did you think of the jacuzzi." They both laughed.
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